well, we're officially on winter break now. i already miss a lot of people.
people i wish i could spend more time with. people i know i wont see again till january 6th.

had a long day, a few tests, watched cloverfield afterschool with some friends, then went to the mall.
afterwards went to my brothers house and left around 7.

today should have been great, and it sounds like it was great doesnt it? well it wasn't, a bunch of friends were busy/emo and didnt talk much.

im not going to specifically mention a name, but a girl i like well.. maybe i should provide some back story first.

so, theres this girl (isn't there always in these kinds of stories? are they a possible root of male depression?), and she is my friend. we used to talk a lot. texting all day, hang with each other at school, help eachother with homework. she was really awesome. and one day her friend (a guy, whom i have reason to believe she likes (as of now anyway)) said something that made her ask me if i liked her. i replied 'kind of, im not really sure', after a short discussion we said we would still stay good friends and pal around having fun like we do. but then she suddenly stopped texting me, talking to me, and i started seeing her less around school.
i think i've started moving on but then again i have never been fully aware of my emotions.

anyways yeah so i saw her hanging out (when i say hanging out you know i dont just mean hanging out) with a really good friend of mine, and well you can call me jealous or whatever, but it was a really hard blow.

maybe its against my own personal beliefs to break a promise but i just dont want to see her at all. i want to get her out of my head move the fuck on and be done with it.

contrary to some crazy people's beliefs i am NOT good with women. i have only ever had one girlfriend and that ended in disaster one week after we got together. im just not meant for women but i keep trying, so i guess i should stop. im not really going to go for guys. ill just live my life without relationships deeper than simple friendship.



moving on, im going to fly to oahu for the weekend to help my sister move. maybe being on another island will help me clear my head. sad part is, since i cant eat solids, i cant eat any of the food there. and the food has always been a highlight of my trips there. oh well.




throughout all of this, its not to say that i dont have my "up's" in life, i just dont write about them, i write about the harder more depressing side of my life because it helps me sort things out, get it all off my chest, makes me feel just a little bit better yknow?

well, if you read all the way from top to bottom, i appreciate you taking out some of your time to listen to my venting.
thank you~